With the weather starting to warm up, I can’t help but hate this time of year. Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling the sun on my skin, but I dread having to wear clothes where I have to show a little bit more skin. There is really no escaping having to wear a skirt or dress, and this makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
During the colder months, I am quite happy to hide my figure in oversized jumpers and jeans, but this just isn’t doable during the summer. With my current diet not progressing as well as I would have hoped, and the thought of putting on a skirt without tights or having the tops of my arms out makes me feel sick. I barely have any summer clothes in my wardrobe; instead, I just adapt to what I have.
At the moment I am feeling bigger than ever, and keep looking at my figure in disgust; if I could hide from the world, I definitely would. I can never find anything I feel comfortable in, it either shows off my belly too much, or I have to get my legs out, which I do not like doing. I can spend hours scrolling through the ASOS website looking for something to wear, which ends up making me feel shit as I know my figure just won’t work well with these clothes.
At the moment I am doing everything I can to lose the weight I want to, but nothing seems to be working; I don’t think I have ever felt so low about my appearance before. This is now having an effect on how I feel about every aspect of my appearance, from hating my face shape, nose and lips; I just feel shit.
This feeling comes in waves, sometimes I think ‘f*ck it’, and other times I look in the mirror and just want to cry. If you have been following my blog for a little while, you will understand the struggle I have with my weight, sometimes I feel so very motivated, and other times I feel exactly like this. I don’t think people release how hard it really is to lose the weight you want.
I don’t know if I think if I am skinny, I will be a lot happier or what, but I can’t help feeling this way even if anyone tells me I look great. I find it hard to take a compliment when I know what I look like in the mirror, but that doesn’t stop me from eating shit; I definitely eat my feelings. I am just feeling so very unmotivated at the moment, and this has such a huge impact on my mind. I find it hard to concentrate at work, at home and just want to never leave my house or bed for that matter, and I just feel like I have really let myself go; my roots are awful, and my skin is bad.
I would go to the end of the earth to find some form of love for my body and stop obsessing over losing the weight I want to lose. I feel sad, unfit and unmotivated, and I need it to stop; I just need to find that strength from inside and learn to love myself whatever my size.
This was all triggered when I caught my reflection in the mirror last night. My hair was a mess, I had Sudocrem on my face to help my spots, and I could see the way my belly hungover my pyjama bottoms. I stopped and stared at myself, and it just didn’t feel like me. When I was younger, I was full of confidence and thought I was the absolute bee’s knees and took such good care of myself.
I don’t even know where to go from here; the weather is getting warmer, which means I have to wear clothes I feel super uncomfortable in. Do I shop for some new outfits, do I hide in my house forever, or learn to love myself? Who knows, but I’m sure I will keep you posted.
The only person who can help me is me; I need to get stuck into a workout I love, and just find some motivation from somewhere. I either need to get on with it and quit moaning or learn to love my body. My mind is all over the place in regards to this particular topic, and I am not looking for sympathy, I just like to write about what I am thinking, as it helps clear my mind!